Last summer...my sister graduated from the University of Notre Dame with a Master's in Accounting. The whole program is set up by the financial firm Ernst & Young, a small group graduate from the program, and the night before graduation there is a big celebration dinner/dance in the complex where the College Football Hall of Fame is.
But before we arrived to South Bend, Indiana, we have to travel across the state of Ohio. I'm not going to get into the many reasons why Ohio sucks,but we stopped halfway to stay in a city called Maumee. Maumee has to be the funniest name for a city beside Intercourse, PA. Of course the irony of Intercourse, PA is that there isn't much intercourse going on because it is full of Amish people. After leaving the great state of Ohio we arrived in South Bend and checked into the hotel that night. The next morning, when I was once a dedicated runner, I did a small run through the campus. A lot of people say that Wesleyan has a beautiful campus but Notre Dame makes Wesleyan look like a dump. The campus in August was a beautiful collage of trees and lakes and it reminded me of this. I was able to get into all the athletic buildings except for the football stadium that Jesus supposedly built.
After the run, I got lunch with my family and we headed back to the college for campus tours. Here is another instance where Notre Dame outshines Wesleyan. The girl giving the tour talked the entire time about the history and all the BS of the school, but she did it while walking backwards...in sandals. I give that girl credit for walking about two miles backwards. After the tour we headed back to the hotel to get ready for the night.
We travel into downtown South Bend and the reception is right next to the College Football Hall of Fame. I walk inside and I'm handed the program which listed that there would be four different buffets for food and the greatest words to a college student ever are penned on there: OPEN BAR
My family is seated at a table next to one of my sister's friend's family. I immediately get up and ask my parents if they want something to drink? I leave and come back with four beers. This confuses my parents and they ask why I have four beers. My response, "one for you, one for you, and two for me", I say as I take a swig from both bottles of Coors Light. The family on the other side of the table give a look of shock and my parents just shake their heads, they know like a hurricane that a storm is building out at sea and they should board up the windows for the impending damage. To try and prevent Hurricane Chris from happening, they tell me to pace myself. Still young and innocent, the only time I can recall the word "pace" is in track workouts and I didn't think pace applied to this situation.
Being that I was twenty and inexperienced in the ways of how to behave at formal occasions I do the following things during the night:
- Chug a beer in the bathroom with some guy who was graduating in the morning
- Skipped the entire meal and drank while my family ate
- Had an in-depth conversation with a guy about high school football in California
- Requested that the DJ play "Freek a Leek", this was rejected when he said it was inappropriate, I then request "I Want to Dance with Somebody"
I think the funniest conversation I had during the entire night was when I was talking to some girl who was the little sister of one of my sister's friend.
Her: So what school do you go to?
Me: It's a small school you've never heard of.
Her: Well, what is it?
Me: West Virginia Wesleyan.
Her: Yeah, I've never heard of it.
Me: So what school do you go to?
Her: Princeton.
Me: Yeah, like Harvard
Her: Yeah, sort of.
Me: So you're really smart?
Her: I wouldn't say that.
Me: Well I'm pretty smart too.
At the end of the night, my parents led me to the car where I slumped into the backseat and passed out. Being loving parents, they carried my comatose body up two flights of stairs at the Hampton Inn where they threw me on the bed.
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It takes a special guy to wake up wearing what you wore to bed that night and it turns out that I'm that kind of guy. But I woke up the next morning still wearing my shirt and tie. My parents are getting ready to leave to go to mass (which is pointless because we're not Catholic) and graduation. I wear the same clothes from the night before and walk down to the car. So I sat through mass and graduation and kept my head down so no one would notice me until we left the campus. The End.
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If you haven't heard, you should read what John Mayer said about Jessica Simpson, here. I'm not sure what sexual napalm is, but all I know is I want to destroy a Vietnamese village with it.
P.S. I guess I'm above average in terms of smarts, got me a 500 unofficially on the GMAT.
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Since we talking about John Mayer:
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